Busy Busy Busy

So, I know I've been neglecting this part of my life. I should have know I wasn't going to be good at keeping up this. So many interruptions, so little time. I really have been trying to prioritize my life. What's important, what's not. What needs to be done now, what can wait. I didn't want to face how much there really is to do. I can't say it's been a great summer. I'm still struggling w/ occupying the girls. I still don't have a car. It makes everything really difficult. Always relying on someone else to cart us around or having to wait until Rob gets out of work. Emma is starting pre-school this fall. I am really looking forward to this. The past three years, we've never really had a schedule. I was never one of those mothers that had my kid nap at this time, eat at this time, go to bed at this time. Emma's first year - yeah sure we pretty much had a schedule but when Abby was born - the craziness started. My mother always assured me that it was no big deal and back in the day no mother that she knew had their kids on a schedule. Sad thing is, it's starting to get to me. I'm actually embarrassed when someone asks me what time my kids go to bed. I've always felt like my kids just never sleep. They're up late, up early. Believe it or not, this summer they have started sleeping later in the morning. My original plan was to get up and get ready before they woke up. But, instead I've been staying up later to get scrapping done and have computer time. I knew that once I became a Mother I wouldn't have much "Me" time but I really didn't think it would bother me this much. On top of that I just don't really know who I am anymore. I love being a Mother. I love my girls - I wouldn't change that for the world. But for some reason, I can't make a decision anymore for the life of me!!! I used to be so organized. I used to make lists upon lists of things to do, grocery lists, finances. You name it - I had a notebook w/ everything in it. I was on top of everything. My house was clean. I was polished. And then, well that slowly fell apart the last four years. It's hard to get back into it. I've tried but so many interruptions. So, many distractions. I would love to shut my phone off sometimes. I don't answer it half of the time but seriously, just because I'm a stay at home mom do people really think I have nothing to do all day? This is starting to get on my nerves. So, pretty much this is what I'm struggling with and I'm just trying to get some order in my life. I'm trying to figure out what the hell I like and don't like. I'm trying to organize my house and rearranging furniture. We're in the process of setting up the play room. The girls are sharing a bedroom (not that they sleep in there half the time) but we're getting there. I keep telling myself once they are both in school, it will get easier. Thankfully, Emma will be going to pre-school literally right down the road. We can walk for the first couple of months but it might start getting a little too nippy by November. I don't really want to be trudging in the snow w/ 2 kids in tow, kwim? It's quite a hill, too. And I'm already stressing about getting her there for 8:15am. That's early for us. Considering she won't eat breakfast until after 10am. It's always been a struggle to get them ready (and myself) and get out of the house. I feel like I'm always late for everything. I really need to plan this out. I don't know why it seems like so much work but it is for me. I think I need a professional organizer, the SuperNanny and a Life Coach to help me get my life back in order. I'm not joking. Now, I know why I was so upset about a year ago when my father asked "What happened to you? You fell apart after you had kids". Yeah that struck a nerve. I didn't go there for quite some time after that. To think a year later and I'm starting to realize that he was right. I guess the truth just hurts. I've been dealing w/ a lot of anxiety lately. I know it runs in the family and some friends have mentioned that maybe I should go on some meds. I don't know I'm scared. I have my brother who is pretty much the Health Nut of the Family. He's all organic now and freaking out that eventually the food is getting so bad to buy that he'll have to start raising his own animals to eat. He hates medicines. And although I think he's a little extreme about it, he has a valid point in a lot of areas. I just wish I had his willpower. Change is tough. When you are raised in one way, and well this way is just not working out for you, you think it would be easy to change but it's not. I guess I'm a creature of habit. But then again, I have that issue with getting bored very easily. Constantly stopping what I'm doing to move on to something else. I'm so not focused. My friend Kelly & I joke about this (she said she's the same way). We think maybe we both have ADD. We're not hyper by any means but we definitely have a problem w/ the attenion part. It's probably something we shouldn't joke about but it's just so frustrating trying to figure out how to prioritize your life. I feel like a nut job. I guess I just can't hide the feelings anymore. You hold it in for so long - making it look like you have it all together but I can't even fake it anymore.